Day four of no Gizmo. It’s the nights that are the worst when things aren’t good. The house is quiet. I’m very aware there’s an absence. I didn’t realise before how noisy, destructive and troublesome Gizmo was. Hell would have broken loose about four times by now, just this evening. The void is certainly empty.
There are landmarks yet to come to continue to mark his passing. The last blankets he laid on will need washing at some point. When I can face draining away the last of his fur. His favourite fishing pole toys and favourite chilling place will need either new homes or to be packed away for a future owner. His ashes are due back in just over a week. They will need placing in the containers I ordered when they arrive too. I also ordered a notebook in which to fill with my memories of him. I am a little grateful that his sister, Tara is still here. I think it would break me further if I had to pack away everything cat related. The void would be so much larger.
Focus on the more positive. I managed to cry just twice today – huge improvement. First time was after buying tins of cat food. I felt guilty that I hadn’t bought them sooner, and spoilt him with lovely chunky jellied meat more before he left me. In light of the recent heat wave I was giving him more cat crunch instead rather that attract more flies. I know he was missing his treats as he kept leading me back to the food cupboard awaiting me to make a more wise decision about what to put in his dish. However I had also run out and needed to restock. Today I restocked, with a heavy heart. Then came home and cried. Second time was having a moment of silence near the last blanket he laid on. What wouldn’t I give to have him back on there. This time with his heart beating with perfect health. Pretty sure I’ve done the bargaining part of this grief though. Maybe.
One thing I marvel at is how time does heal. Or help to move on, whatever. And yet time doesn’t exist. We only have the eternal Now. So what changes? And how? With questions like these, you can see why I’m alone at night 😉