There is a term called ‘The INFJ Door Slam’. It occurs when someone has pissed you off so much that you slam the door on them and your life, never to recover. Suddenly that person won’t exist to you. I’ve done it myself a few times. The triggers being when I’ve been screwed over and lied to by someone repeatedly, and by the third time of doing it, I just realise that nothing will ever change. The door is slammed and there’s no going back.
INFJ’s have a way of seeing people how they could be, rather than how they are. We do love seeing behind masks, this also enables us to see behind layers to the good, the highest potential of a person. So when we meet someone, we can see their gifts, strengths, everything they could be, if they wanted to be. It’s beautiful to see the best version of someone and reflect that back to them. The problems start when we forget to pay attention to what the person is like at present. The reality.
So they may be a little rusty, we can see so much good, so much potential. Recently I encountered such a person. Rusty but pretty amazing for a person. I looked past the obvious traits that were screaming at me, the fact they were only interested in talking about themselves, constant dramas, lack of empathy. I overlooked this initially, despite being aware of it. I told myself that time would unfold and balance them out as a person. In time maybe they would be just as interested in my day as they were endlessly talking about their own. But pretty quickly, on an occasion when I needed the friendship to meet my needs for a few minutes, I was out in the cold. Ignored and treated like I had done something awful.
Like a true INFJ, I hung onto the good and tried to rectify it, I temporarily bought into the idea that I had actually done something terrible, and apologised. I was further ignored. . . for a few weeks. It felt like punishment and I really couldn’t believe that this lovely person I had met, was treating me like this. The truth was, I really hadn’t done anything wrong.
This person finally got in touch, seemingly completely oblivious that anything had happened. No apology or explanation. Just a rendition of ‘give me attention while I ignore you’. And here comes one of the toughest decisions an INFJ has to make. What to do with the door when it isn’t quite a door slamming moment. I gathered my strength and reminded myself that this person had nothing to add to my life apart from confusion and unhappiness. In the weeks they had ignored me, I was feeling much happier as I was no longer subjected to their bizarre behaviour of begging for attention, whilst simultaneously ignoring me and making me feel. . . worthless. Reminding myself of this, I took a hard look at their current behaviour. They were currently ignoring me (for the third time since we had become ‘friends’), they were refusing to have a conversation with me, and were also refusing to be honest with me. Whilst they had not violated me enough for me to slam the door, the door needed closing.
Pulling all this together, I deleted and blocked from everything. Slowly, sadly, but knowing that if I did not do this, this person would continue to reappear with nothing but bullshit and ignorance to give me. I will never get to see any other side of this person, which makes me sad. I feel sad that I’ll never get to enjoy the great parts of them again. Also sad for them as I feel that they really let themselves down. What I need to remember is that I am worth so much more than being ignored by someone who has no idea how lucky they are to have found someone like me.
Not my loss.