I really do miss connecting with my spiritual side. I come home from work tonight, starving and exhausted. As soon as I have stuffed my face, I want to sleep. I force myself to be productive, as I know that to indulge in anything else would have me snoozing within minutes.
I begin with my email accounts. Clearing and responding to emails. I discover an email from Dropbox, which I haven’t logged into for two years. I begin clearing that out as I find lots of old information in there. I find two spiritual readings that tell me that a man called “Steven” is very close to me in spirit. I’m sure I know who this is although I never met him while he was alive.
I log into ‘Meet Up’ and see how my event is doing. Last week I set up an account and bought a three month subscription to host my event. I find a shock. In one week 103 people have bookmarked my event. 103!!!! The popularity of it online keeps throwing me off. I am overwhelmed instantly. The fear first rises, what if too many people come that I can cope with? Then the next fear, what if they find it disappointing? Then the next fear, what if they hate it and never return, or give bad feedback? My breathing rate increases.
I reach out, but no one is online to respond. I curb my urge to freak out more publicly, desperately looking for reassurance which cannot be real since the event isn’t happening right now, and no one knows anything. Facebook is on 92 likes. I am so impressed. The idea, the dream is capturing people. If that dream can capture people, what about my other dreams? Can they capture people too?
By the end of all this I am once again exhausted. The adrenaline and extra work have tired me out.
All the while some beautiful music is playing. Coaxing me to delve into spiritual realms. Giving way for worlds unseen. I would love to. But the time beckons me to get ready for work tomorrow. I am haunted by the memories of GRC. Next month it is closing for two years. I just want to be within its walls. Having a long quiet shower. Meditating. Talking to statues. Wandering the grasses. Watching time slow down and stop in intervals. Traffic control. Everything that place makes me feel. Slow, calm, connected, happy. I miss it.
For now I sleep. Thankful that I have this website so I may have a space to experience my voice.