This is a late one.
I’ve had a pretty shitty week. Other people have been my problem. Flaring up in my face and reminding me how inadequate I feel. What I should have responded with is a reminder to thank me for the good I’ve done, rather than point out what expectation of theirs I failed to meet.
After a day such as this, I feel wretched. It feels like a hangover. My whole body feels in a deep funk, my head can’t move on, I want to cry all day and because I don’t allow those tears to leave, my face gets puffy on the inside and I feel worse. At least if I cried then it would be some release. All of this is exhausting. Someone shouting at me, is exhausting.
When it comes to bedtime my head recounts the event, over and over. Projected possible outcomes. Worst scenarios that never actually happened. A billion ways I could have responded – positive and negative. I go over them so many times that I start to wonder if they actually did happen. What is reality anymore?
Another hour of sleep slips away and I am wired, tired and feeling even more horrible.
Tonight I began the same process. But another thought slipped in. I’ve seen it being repeated to me lately that to end the war with others, you need to end the war with yourself. What does that even mean? So I tried something. I’ve already been shouted at by a few people. Why am I shouting at me? Why am I forcing my poor mind and body to relive it? That is the self abuse.
So I changed it. I told myself I had done my best and that I deserved better. I told myself all was well and that people still loved me. Actually lots of people love me. The people that shouted at me love me (bar one). They are just hurting themselves and saw me as a safe outlet. Which I know isn’t right but it happens and there’s little we can do about that.
I told myself that I deserved to rest well. I deserve to have peace. Despite being a target that shouldn’t have happened, I don’t deserve to be beaten up about it. Especially not by myself. Had I truly believed that I was not as awful as I was claimed to be, I would not have reacted to what was said. I would have replied that I did my best for the time being, and that I was sorry that more was expected of me that I did not meet (and don’t plan to meet but ah well). I did what was asked (actually I offered), what more do they want? And whatever it is, I ain’t doing it (but we won’t go there yet).
I also realise I wouldn’t have been quite so sensitive had I had enough sleep. I’ve been pushing the boundaries lately. I know as I write this I am doing it again. But this is for good reason. I need to document my journey. I will forget it otherwise.
I pledge here and now to give myself a break. I will not force myself to relive these moments anymore. I will snuggle up and move on. Leave it behind and concentrate on having a good day tomorrow with the people who I care about, and who care about me. My energy will be focussed on what lifts me.
Fuck the rest.