The room was dimly lit, however I was lighting candles. Something kept blowing them out, although there was no wind. He likes candles, so I endeavoured to keep relighting them. I was doing this slowly with an air of frustration. A noise distracted me. I walked over to the nearby door, and peered out. There was a small hallway with a wooden ladder leading to the roof. The hatch that opens the roof was open, and I could see the sky past the ladder. There were bright lights. Upon adjusting my eyes briefly, I could see they were attached to an aircraft. I watched it fly. I started to notice it was going back and forward, over the building I was in. I continued to watch it then saw it made a manoeuvre that took it slightly further away. Then my eyes caught sight of something else… Bombs were being dropped out of the bottom of the craft. I naively thought they were heading for something else, but then reality came, and hit, just as those bombs were about to.
I turned and went for the front door. As my hand reached for the handle, flashes came to me. My cats, would they get out alive, would I find them? Possibly years later after a long time of separation because we’d lose each other? What of all my cherished moments? I had a flash of my head on my boyfriends chest, feeling it rise and fall. Did I really drink in those moments? Completely, surrendering every feeling and emotion, committing all my senses to fully experiencing the moment? Can I walk out that door and say I did all this? My walls at home, full of store bought decor. What about the precious moments in life. All those moments that I quietly thought to myself “I love this”. What reminds me of those every day? Where are the visuals of all that is important and dear to me? Amongst the impending rubble, what will this mess say about my life? What will my memories say about that I let in, while I lived? If I am about to leave here, will I have regrets? Will I wish that I had my time again to really live everything? Did I waste it? My memories will be all I’ll have, my time on Earth. What am I taking with me when I leave here?
As my heart kept speeding, I touched the door ready to open it. My eyes pinged open. I was awake and everything i had just experienced was a dream. My breathing still erratic, I reached over for my phone. I wanted to check my boyfriend was okay and opened the WhatsApp app, seemingly the same moment that he did. Just seeing his online status gave me a breath of relief. He was okay. I was okay. Shadow cat was stretching at the end of the bed. He was okay too.
I’m aware there are a million articles on mindfulness. A million articles on cherishing each moment. And thousands more books on these topics. How many of these enable us to really FEEL this? Which made me ponder, the key to life are our feelings and emotions. The more we commit to the feeling at the time, the more we fully drop into it and let it take us over, the bigger the imprint on us and the more we have lived that moment. By not giving in, we are just circling the outside of that emotion. Touching it but never quite integrating it for the time it is with us.
Tonight, I aim to fully feel and see and be with each moment and person.
Tonight I breathe.
Tonight, I will allow my heart to fill with love and appreciation.
Will you join me?