I’m at a very searchy part of my path. I’ve done extensive volunteering and am now at the point where I am tired of it. I love what I’ve done but it feels more like a bind than a joy. I spent the Winter focussing inwards, particularly in my home space. Now I feel a big part of my focus needs to remain there for the rest of the year. I am committed to decluttering, reducing my belongings and making my home simpler, easier to clean and less full of distractions. The incoming light inspires me to clean out my wardrobe and freshen up my space. My intention is to move out of my current home towards the end of this year. I miss having a shower on tap (teehee).
While I am doing this clearing, I have been collecting up books to sell on. I watched a very interesting video on YT recently by JP Sears. He spoke about reading too much. Definitely something I have fallen victim to. I have many books on all sorts of subjects. As I was going through my bookshelves, I began to adopt a more rigid system. If I have read it and felt ‘meh’ about it, it definitely needs to go. I read online a lot too. And this almost froze my ability to continue on with my website. I began to read about how I should be posting content specific material, staying in one subject, making it an anecdote, yada yada. I felt like merely just rambling, was wrong. But hang on, it’s my website, I pay for it, so what’s so wrong with doing what the heck I like with it? I am a multipotentialite, so of course my blog is going to jump all over the place. It’s my journey.
My desire has been to create my own business. Person after person has told me to get on with it, get moving. I’d keep asking, “I don’t know my gift is to the world. Tell me what I am supposed to do”. I noticed that the authors of all these books I’ve been reading, and the websites I’d been following, are all following this money path that is all very similar. Make a product or lifestyle to sell, create video courses, promote them by live streaming talking about them with others, lead them onto more courses that increase in price etc. Are any of the people buying all of these courses actually getting where they want to be? The consumerist society has infiltrated the spiritual market so heavily. All these people marketing their ‘thing’ with their desire to help others. But others are just spending out money they don’t really have, in the hope of achieving a lifestyle that they simply don’t have the skills to achieve. At least that has been the case for me.
I’ve been very caught up in the INFJ chronicles as well. Focusing on me, and what makes me up. In an attempt to try and find my own ‘thing’. I’ve read up on introversion and found this amazing article which described how I was feeling. Feeling lost in a world that I wasn’t sure wanted me.
About three years ago I stumbled across a book by Tony Robbins. I enjoyed reading what I did of it and then as I do, ran after the next shiny star. He then recently graced my Netflix. Still not quite understanding what he was about, I watched him. I was shocked. This man was nothing who I thought he would be. I cried (quietly) through most of it. His intensity, his rawness, his dream felt so matched to what I know to be inside of me. I was afraid at what seemed like a method that was so deeply extrovert. But something clicked. My energy and movement had gone. In all this reading, I had stopped. My fire was quiet embers, my drive and inspiration were low and I was getting ill a little more than I had been doing. My energy within was stagnant. I could finally feel it.
With this realisation, I know I have work to do. Further clearing to focus my home. Playing with ideas that excite me. In two weeks I will be selling my books at a local festival and chatting to new people. This year I am brewing. I still don’t know what. Play is the answer.